CYCLOPS: ‘Dumb Quote of the Year Award’ goes to English woman


BY BRYAN GRAY

The opinions stated in this article are solely those of the author and not of The Davis Clipper.

For many of the almost 34 years writing this column, I honored a person or organization with a coveted prize: The Cyclops Dumb Quote of the Year Award.  Sadly, I have not seen any worthy nominations in the past few years, although almost anything Pres. Trump says in his morning Tweets could qualify for consideration.

This year, however, I am polishing up the Dumb Quote Award, even though I had to travel over 6,000 miles to find a statement worthy enough of the legendary trophy.  Last week I spent eight days in London, England, the home of the 38-year-old female hedge fund trader who is suing her neighbors over a particularly dastardly and upsetting act…children making noise.

This should be instantly relatable to Utahns. We love children. We produce more of them per capita than any of the 49 other states.  The production of children is Utah’s number one form of manufacturing.  Utah is the only state in which the average woman possesses more children than she does shoes.

An all of us understand that noise is a necessary byproduct of children. If a child doesn’t squeal five times a day or try to torture the family cat by dressing it up, we call a pediatrician and ask what’s wrong.

So back to our hedge fund trader in London.  She and her mother live in a posh fifth floor flat valued at $2.6 million. She bought the place so she could “live my life in peace. It’s my home. Home is where people go for peace and quiet.”

Her quiet solitude was soon disturbed by neighbors down the street.  Obviously, motorists turning the ignition on their cars or watching the telly with their windows open are an annoyance to this woman.  But then five years ago things got worse.  A family with two young children bought a flat one floor above hers; her tranquil existence came to an end.

What kind of racket did the children cause?  In her lawsuit, the woman alleges that the children ran around the house…and they sometimes dropped their toys on the floor…and because of this large two-child family, there were sounds that came from a refrigerator being opened and the fireplace being lit.  Intolerable!

One can only imagine that the two children also giggled and cried, coughed, and sneezed, all an affront to the poor hedge fund trader who wanted to live her life in an isolation booth.  In fact, she was forced to take extreme measures.  “I have chocolate at 9 a.m. now to stay awake,” she said.  “I had a great career, a good home, and a great social life.  The last seven and a half years I have been subjected to what they (the children) have done, and my life has stood still.”

And what do the parents say about the woman?  They admit through their lawyer that their children play upstairs and utter “ordinary domestic children noises from time to time.”  Their lawyer goes a little further. He says the woman is “unhinged.”

If the woman is so unhappy, I suggest all the neighbors within a radius of one square mile take up a collection and purchase the home from her. She could move to a place with no sound waves – and the community would rid itself of the village idiot. 

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