Take a hike

The opinions stated in this article are solely those of the author and not of the Davis Clipper.

What do you get when you have 25 teenage girls camping in tents? A motive for murder. I’m convinced every crazed serial killer roaming a summer camp was once a mild-mannered camp counselor hoping to teach peace, love and kindness to a herd of snarling 15-year-old girls.
While men can plan a Scout camp over a four-hour Call of Duty session, women meet for months to plan an inspirational and life-changing camp that every single girl will whine through. Leaders schedule dozens of meetings to choose the theme (Let’s Get Dirty!), create the menu (Fun With Tofu!) and decide on the camp color (glittery unicorn pink).
Once those main decisions are finalized, the real job begins: planning hours of activities to teach young women the importance of a) nature, b) bonding and c) indoor plumbing. An ordinary day at young women’s camp can look something like this:
6 a.m. – Flag ceremony and motivational singing
6:15 a.m. – Breakfast/clean-up/inspirational stories/singing
9:00 – Nature hike/Identify native plants/singing
Noon – Lunch/Clean-up/singing
1:30-3:30 – Glittery art project to encourage sisterhood/singing
3:30-5:30 – Journaling/free time/singing
5:30-8:00 – Dinner/clean-up/singing
8:00-10:00 – Campfire/uplifting stories/singing
10:30 – Lights out/quiet singing
An ordinary day at young women’s camp actually looks like this:
6 a.m. – Leaders go from tent to tent, waking up girls who spent the night vaping in the woods. No singing.
7:48 – Quick flag ceremony followed by burned oatmeal, cooked in a Dutch oven. Inspirational stories interrupted by young women fighting because someone’s journal is missing and, “I know it’s you, Jessica, because you’re such a $#*$&!” Girls are ordered to get ready for the day.
11:17 – Hiking! But everyone’s waiting for Angela to finish curling her hair with her butane curling iron because she will NOT be seen looking like a hillbilly in case she runs into lumberjacks wandering through camp.
2:25 – Having been chased by a moose, the hikers are now lost and trying to figure out how to get cell service in the middle of the Wasatch Mountains. Leaders consider making a break for it, leaving the girls to wander the wilderness forever. No singing.
4:58 – Leaders have bagged the art project and journaling, and have moved onto the dinner part of the program. Girls are napping in various locations and refuse to help prepare any meal. Leaders consider a mass poisoning but decide against it because they’re too tired.
8:20 – Dinner is finally served. The girls are STARVING and complaining that dinner wasn’t ready hours ago. A few girls half-heartedly sing two camp songs before everyone sits and stares into the campfire. Someone is crying. It’s one of the leaders.
11:45 – Girls are told to stop talking because people are trying to sleep. Someone is singing.
1:35 a.m. – The girls are told, for the millionth time to, “Shut the $%&$ up or I’m going to dismantle your tent and you can sleep under a tree!!!”
4:17 a.m. – Everyone is crying.
6:30 a.m. – Someone asks when breakfast will be ready.
Repeat for five more days. (Note to CIA: If you decide to torture me by making me camp with teenage girls, please, just waterboard me instead.)
At the end of camp, the girls’ matching shirts are covered with mud and glitter. No one is smiling. Even Friday the 13th’s Jason Voorhees wouldn’t approach this scene. No one is singing.
But girls’ camp is like childbirth. Once it’s over, you only remember the good parts, and soon leaders are optimistically planning the next camp with even MORE glitter, MORE bonding and MORE singing. The men slowly shake their heads and return to Call of Duty.


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