But still, I’m worried. What do they know about my health that I don’t?
I skimmed the enclosed “Guide to Reluctant Coverage” and “Required Unintelligible Disclaimers,” but I still don’t have a clue what pre-existing health problem I have. And now that I know I have some dire medical condition lurking inside me, I’m not feeling well at all.
I tried to recall the 48-page application I completed and the medical-history questionnaire with 500 tiny boxes I checked “yes,” “no” or “none of your beeswax.” Maybe it was just writing my actual date of birth at the top that routed me into the category “pre-existing condition”: Insureds pre-existing in 1960.
No doubt we’ll be denied coverage for any wrinkle filling, spot removal, incontinence or varicose veins treatments, therapeutic bras, and facial or breast gravitational readjustments.
But if they know what’s good for them, they’ll cover my estrogen replacement pills. Believe me, they do NOT want to see me charging into their headquarters without my estrogen!
Honestly, I can’t think what else on my application shunted me into insurance purgatory.
Their letter explains my exclusion from coverage “applies only to conditions for which medical advice, diagnosis, care, or treatment was recommended or received.” So basically, if I went to the doctor for any reason, I’m up a bloodstream without a paddle.
The lesson to be learned from this is, DO NOT, for anything short of imminent death, go to a doctor when you are uninsured or between jobs.
I tried to imagine the possible diagnoses or physician notes that could be skulking in my medical records.
You should be worried, too. Think of all the times your doctor casually asked, “So, how are you feeling?”
Did you have the flu and let slip, “I feel terrible, doc”?
Uh-oh. “Feeling terrible” – pre-existing condition!
Did you confess, “My lungs wheeze, my bones ache, my head throbs, my ears buzz, I have a temperature of 246, enough gas to float the Goodyear blimp, and a hemorrhoid the size of a cabbage”?
Did you see the doctor’s pen scribbling in your chart at warp speed? Do you know what he wrote? See what I mean! You don’t have a clue what “pre-existing” conditions he just immortalized throughout the entire American medical insurance industry.
Before you could peel your naked cheeks from the examination table, your chart was whisked away and filed in underground bunkers where only Homeland Security and insurance underwriters have access to it.
But you, with your “pre-existing condition,” will wear a Scarlet “P” on your hospital gown until you are finally post-existing!
I scrutinized the letter from my insurance carrier, but I still can’t find what pre-existing medical condition I supposedly have.
What a clever medical plan. I’m sure there’s a lot of snarky giggling in their claims office.
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