Zero stars

Just because a movie is cheesy doesn’t mean it isn’t worth watching. Sometimes, ridiculously tasty nonsense can be more satisfying than a high-quality film.

Unfortunately, “Hansel and Gretel” is plain old nonsense. The movie, which supposedly follows the grown-up siblings as they hunt and kill witches, indulges in every cliché without a drop of irony or self-awareness. There’s not a teaspoon of wit in the entire film, and any laughs will have to come from the sarcastic commentary of the person sitting next to you in the audience. Clearly, this is the script the monkeys have been writing on those typewriters all this time.

As for the violence, it somehow manages to be gratuitous and poorly done in the same moment. Someone with experience in horror-movie deaths was clearly enjoying themselves, but the fights are shot so choppily that they’re impossible to see properly. Worse, it’s all blanketed by a soundtrack so ludicrously melodramatic that even Lady Gaga would ask them to tone it down a little.

The best actors in the world couldn’t have saved this movie. Hopefully, the movie-going audience will grant the entire cast absolution for being in this mess.

Rated R for language, violence and horror-movie style gore