Every four years I get the itch to run for President of the United States. The job can't be too hard -- just look at some of the people who have done it!
I had a dream last night that I held my first national press conference.
CYCLOPS: "I appreciate your attendance today. Hopefully my candidacy will address the real issues facing American taxpayers and their families."
PRESS: "We understand you believe the most pressing concern involves the telecommunications industry. Can you explain this rather strange position?"
CYCLOPS: "Sure. Communications impacts all of us. As President, my first official duty would be to ban the use of all computerized business answering devices. I believe it's every American's God-given right to speak to a real person, not some infernal machine that squawks nonsense like 'If you wish to speak to John, press two...If you wish to speak to a customer service agent, press three -- and then hold on the line for 13 hours and 10 minutes.'"
PRESS: "But that's beyond your powers as President."
CYCLOPS: "Really? Then I won't ban commercial answering systems. I'll just punish businesses who use them by making the CEO listen to Slim Whitman infommercials."
PRESS: "Very funny. Now do you have a position on the move to forbid obesity lawsuits against fast-food companies?
CYCLOPS: "I have no problems with prohibiting such lawsuits. I firmly believe it's our constitutional right to digest grease. But at the same time, I harbor strong opinions on nutrition. For instance, the main food-related stance of my political platform is to ban the production of fruitcake."
PRESS: "You're kidding!"
CYCLOPS: "No sir. The fruitcake is an abomination, an insult to culinary professionals throughout the world."
PRESS: "You are the only presidential candidate with that stand."
CYCLOPS: "You're right. And I'm probably the only presidential candidate willing to force teenagers to wear their baseball caps the right way, with the visor pointing to the front. There will be none of this backwards hippity-hop gangsta stuff during my administration."
PRESS: "And what if teenagers refused to accept your presidential fashion statement?"
CYCLOPS: "Then I'd sign an Executive Order forcing them to listen to Perry Como records for a period of no less than 13 consecutive hours. That's strong leadership -- and less costly than dispensing Valium."
PRESS: "Have you considered a running mate?"
CYCLOPS: "Right now I'm leaning towards Meg Ryan. She'll attract male voters, and after her last couple of movies I think she'd work cheap."
PRESS: "Back to the issues...What is your stand on taxes?"
CYCLOPS: "I'd impose a tax on romance novels. There are thousands of great authors killing themselves trying to write lofty literary prose while some silly woman in Baton Rouge uses 14 pen names and knocks off 24 books a year about quivering thighs and molten lips. I'd impose a tax, give that money to the public library system and place Danielle Steel under house arrest."
PRESS: You'll lose the female vote."
CYCLOPS: "Oh, I don't think so. I'll also sign legislation forbidding men from forcing their wives to cook their husband's venison after drunken hunting trips. The soccer moms will love me."
The views expressed in this column are the opinion of the writer and not necessarily those of the ownership or management of this newspaper.