First days of school are always gastric misery for my daughter, Brittany. The poor tot's birthday lands smack dab on the last few days this side of the age deadline. The year she turned five, we, her wise parents, decided to send her anyway, seeing as how she was so bright and very social.

Her first day (and the whole year really) of kindergarten was an educational fiasco. When I asked her how her first day of school went she replied, "Well, I did a puthle (puzzle) all by mine thelf (self) without mething (messing) it up. I wocked (rocked) on a wocking howthe (rocking horse) all rethceth (recess). When I thwew (threw) up I covewed (covered) it up with thand (sand). Thowwy (sorry) Mom, but I thtill (still) can't wead (read)."

You can't speak either, I thought to mine self. In Britt's mind she had given school her best shot, but it just didn't work out. Next morning when I woke her up for school she declared "I have to go back? Okay, but it'th (It's) jutht (just) a waitht (waste) of mine time!"

The next year we, her even wiser parents, slyly told her that she did so well in kindergarten last year that she got to do it again. (Wink, wink) So the second year kindergarten started with a pumped-up, six-year- old "graduate student", as it were.

She thumbed her nose at the frightened first graders. Suckers! She mocked. She announced to her table mates to just watch what she did as she was an expert puzzler. Brittany's never been reluctant to parade her knowledge. The teacher used Britt as a tutor of sorts for the novice "undergrads". She beguiled the rookies with her nonsense.

One poor lad innocently jumped on her prized rocking horse at recess. A freshman mistake. She promptly ousted him thus showing just who ruled the kindergarten.

After all you can't have a battle of wits with an unarmed man. I know I would have been frightened of her what with that forceful, managing disposition and the good two inches she had on him.

Sadly, that was about the only year she didn't throw up. Her first day of first grade I got a call asking if I would come to the school and bring an extra outfit for her.

I found Britt and her coerced friend there all lined up waiting for the bus. I told her she had to stay all day now, she said, "What? No!" and threw up, again. About third grade I started sending an extra outfit in her back pack along with crackers and Tums.

After the first day, Brittany does just fine at school. Today you can find her with every other Tomasina, Dixie, and Harriet going back to college.

Only she is the one with two outfits on (top layer is tear-away) and armed with bottles of Pepcid and Xanax plus an extra dosage of Valium just in case. See, I told you she's bright. It's on account of that extra year of kindergarten.