The views expressed in this column are the opinion of the writer and not necessarily those of the ownership or management of this newspaper.

Now that 2005 is shelved into the history books, here are the Cyclops major stories to unravel in 2006: ALCOHOL OPPONENTS PICKET EL MATADOR IN BOUNTIFUL FOR SERVING BEER-BATTERED HALIBUT. Opponents ask the Bountiful City Council to revoke the business license for the restaurant due to its proximity to a city library. In a related move, Olive Garden announces it will not locate a store in Bountiful due to fears the anti-alcohol lobby will complain about linguini in white wine sauce.

ATHEISTS FILE SUIT AGAINST CHURCHES DISPLAYING A CROSS VISIBLE ON PUBLIC STREETS. Bloated with pride over their lawsuit against crosses on public property marking the deaths of lawmen killed in the line of duty, Utah atheists complain they are offended while driving on public thoroughfares while forced to view crosses affixed to Christian churches. A Bountiful minister apologizes for the "offense," then suggests his parishioners bring the Crusades to rid the community of non-believing whiners.

UTAH SEN. CHRIS BUTTARS FILES A BILL MAKING IT A MISDEMEANOR FOR ANY MALE TO ENGAGE IN SCRAPBOOKING. Fresh from legislation banning gay clubs in high schools and erasing evolution from Utah science curriculums, Sen. Buttars claims men wielding scissors and patterns are part of the "homosexual agenda." He also files a companion bill to stop the import of pink dress shirts across the state border. That bill stalls in the Rules Committee after a quick-thinking Republican says the shirts are patterned and sewn with an "intelligent design."

ROCKY ANDERSON IS HONORED AS A 'GIANT IN OUR COMMUNITY' BY THE DAVIS CHAMBER OF COMMERCE. In order to receive the award, the Chamber instructs Rocky to ride his bicycle to the Layton awards banquet so he doesn't spew noxious fumes and pollute Davis County's wetlands.

ACTOR TOM CRUISE APPEARS ON THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW, JUMPS ON THE SOFA AND ANNOUNCES HE IS LEAVING THE CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY TO JOIN THE LDS CHURCH. An LDS Church spokesman replies that it already has Robert Kirby as a member and doesn't need another high-profile Mormon. Kirby replies that he is delighted by any comparison to Tom Cruise and issues an invitation for Katie Holmes to attend Sacrament meeting with him.

REPUBLICANS WIN EVERY SINGLE VOTE IN DAVIS COUNTY ELECTION. Democrats appeal, discover that they really received 17 votes, all by people who attended Sundance movies.

CYCLOPS RECEIVES PULITZER PRIZE. The Pulitzer Committee launches an immediate investigation into vote fraud.