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Cyclops: OK NSA, listen to my phone calls
Jun 15, 2013 | 2489 views | 0 0 comments | 423 423 recommendations | email to a friend | print
Bryan Gray, Cyclops
Bryan Gray, Cyclops

Clipper Columnist

The opinions stated in this article are solely those of the author and not of The Davis County Clipper.

BOUNTIFUL — I learned last week that my boss and I don’t fully appreciate the U.S. Constitution. How do I know this? Because we are not one bit worried that the National Security Agency knows which phone numbers we are dialing.

Nope, I’m not concerned. I don’t dial 1-800 “Hot Sex Talk” numbers or phone terrorist cell operatives in Pakistan. I live a rather bland life, and anyone tracking my phone calls would need extra caffeine in order to stay awake.

In fact, I’m not even opposed if the security officials wanted to listen in to my calls and read my e-mails. Here is what they would find:

PHONE CALL: “Hey, Pizza Hut, I want to order a large thin and crispy, half pepperoni/olive/mushroom and half pepperoni/olive. And no, I don’t want 14 liters of soda for an additional $7.”

PHONE CALL: “Listen you (expletive)! I keep getting calls for a woman named Babelicious and I keep telling you there is no such person – no Barbie, no Bambi, not anyone with a stripper name. Don’t’ call again you (expletive) idiot!”

EMAIL: “Thank you for the generous opportunity to receive a million dollars by sending $50,000 in emergency cash to a stranger in Uganda. Considering current economic conditions however, $50,000 could purchase the entire country of Uganda and still have enough left over to buy half of Congo, so I must turn down your offer.”

EMAIL: “Please, for the 80th time, remove my email address from your records. Out of every 100 emails I receive, 98 are obnoxious offers for credit cards, low-interest loans, half-price appetizer plates or wholesale muscle enhancement drugs – none of which I have any interest in buying. Stop, stop stop!”

PHONE CALL: “No dear, I didn’t forget to feed the dog. Even if I did, that mutt has enough fat storage on him to live another 38 dog years. That animal is eating better than half the customers at Chuck-A-Rama.”

EMAIL: “Thank you for letting me know about your credit union’s 24-hour ATM service. However, I look at it differently. I figure if I need $100 at 2 a.m., it’s probably for something I shouldn’t be doing in the first place ... Now kindly remove me from your list.”

PHONE CALL: “How many times do I have to tell you there is no Babelicious at this phone number!”

See, you get the drift. There is nothing the National Security Agency could investigate. I understand our Founding Fathers were suspicious of government and courts have ruled on our right to privacy.

But I also understand that there are human creatures (thankfully, a small number) who wish to place bombs, kidnap, cut throats, and bring down airplanes. If tracking my calls to Pizza Hut can stop such a threat, I believe that’s a small price to pay.

Clean air and water, better education, increased job opportunities. .. I’ll save my patriotic indignation for things like these that really count.
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