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Cyclops: Cyclops is running for president
Nov 28, 2013 | 1438 views | 0 0 comments | 12 12 recommendations | email to a friend | print


The opinions stated in this column are solely those of the author and not of the Davis Clipper. 


With speculation about the 2016 presidential election already buzzing, I decided to throw my name in the hat. It’s never too early to get the pundits talking. (I could have sought John Swallow’s position, but the presidency pays a lot more). 

I will run on strong leadership and a refusal to duck the hard issues. I can already imagine my first press conference:

PRESS: We understand you have strong feelings on telecommunication.

CYCLOPS: Yes. As president my first official act would be to ban the use of all business telephone computerized answering devices. It’s an American’s God-given right to speak to a real person. Give us liberty or give me death Р and give me a human voice, not a silly computer.

PRESS: But that’s beyond your powers as president.

CYCLOPS: In that case, I won’t ban them. But I’ll punish any business owner who uses the annoying system. I’ll order jail time Р or make them watch a PBS fund-raising special. 

PRESS: Very funny. Now do you have a position on the controversy over genetically-altered food?

CYCLOPS: Honestly, the only food-related part of my platform is my vow to ban the fruit cake. 

PRESS: The fruit cake?

CYCLOPS: Yes. They are a culinary abomination. The fruit cake should have been banned years ago.

PRESS: You are the only candidate to take this stand.

CYCLOPS: And I’m probably the only candidate willing to force teenagers to wear their baseball caps the right way. On Inauguration Day I will immediately demand that caps be worn with the visor pointing to the front. None of this sideways or backwards gangsta-rap stuff during my administration. 

PRESS: And what if young people refuse?

CYCLOPS: I’d sign an executive order making them listen to a Johnny Mathis record or read “The Great Gatsby”. A strong penalty can solve the baseball hate issue within days. 

PRESS: Have you considered a running mate?

CYCLOPS: Right now I’m leaning toward a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. I promise I won’t let down my male voters, but whomever I end up choosing, it won’t be Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, or Alec Baldwin.

PRESS: What is your stand on taxes? 

CYCLOPS: Oh, I’d impose a new one Р on romance fiction. Here we are trying to promote literacy and critical thinking and some silly woman in Baton Rouge uses 14 pen names and knocks out 35 books in a year about molten lips and quivering thighs. Honestly, I’d put Danielle Steel under house arrest.

PRESS: Banning romance novels could result in losing some of the female vote.

CYCLOPS: Nope, I’d also ban colic, diaper rash, and vacuuming. The mom vote would be all mine. 

Think my seeking the presidency is far-fetched? Considering some of the nitwits who have run in the past, don’t count me out. 


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